Short Story

Age Test

Count the number of statements that apply to you to find out if you are old.

You have three pairs of glasses, but you can’t find the ones on your face.

You last took the stairs in 1983.

You can’t identify more than ten genders or don’t know a hundred pronouns.

Your marriage is a chorus of “What did you say?”

You just called someone to say that you lost your phone.

You wear support shirts.

You or someone you knew was born in the 1800s.

You last liked a song that came out in 1972.

You’ve never heard a Beyonce or Swift song.

You fall asleep twenty minutes into a book or movie.

You would have taken better care of yourself if you knew you’d live this long.

You don’t trust anyone under fifty.

You think the last century is the 1800s.

You read the obituaries. If you are in them, you don’t make plans for the day. You don’t know whether to cheer for those that died older than you or younger than you.

You tell stupid stories to youths about when you were their age.

You aren’t told you’ve grown or asked for ID any more.

Your old girlfriend is a widow and a great grandmother.

You get offers to help you cross the street and people call you sir or ma’am.

You remember being rejected sixty years ago, but not what you had for breakfast.

You’ve said, “Get off my lawn you dang hippie” or “They don’t make them like they used to”, or “It wasn’t like that in the old days” a combined total of greater than twenty in the last week.

You can write cursive, make change, and drive a stick shift car.

You think movies should have cartoons and Movietones.

You hit the spacebar twice after a sentence.

You don’t buy unripe fruit.

Your favorite magazine is “Mobility Device Monthly”.

You ask your grandchildren to explain phones without dials and those boxes with pictures which aren’t TVs.

You are disappointed to find out that you’ve been awake for most of the day.

If you took this test you are old. Applicable statement count is irrelevant. Only old people would waste their time like this.